i guess this is more of a retrospective than anything else. looking back at this time last year, between july and august, there were some big changes in my life. anyone who knows me, knows i don't like change. it's my antithesis, my kryptonie, my arch nemesis. we're talking big changes here. heck, when i quit my job at wendy's, i cried. hard. i had been there for almost 8 years. granted, it was time to move on, but still. it was a big change for me, and i took it hard. but the store didn't close without my mad burger flipping skills, and i didn't self-destruct because i wasn't serving fries. so we move on. but this time last year was hard for me. things still aren't stellar, but i think i've finally reached a point where i'm pretty satisfied with the way things are going. and it's because of the good, the bad, and the otherwise.
the bad.
july 25, 2012
my mom got sick. the hardest thing to deal with was it wasn't an obvious illness. it wasn't something with a name, like cancer, a stroke, or heart disease. it was some kind of infection that somehow settled into my mom's brain and eradicated a huge part of her memory. thankfully, it didn't affect her motor skills, but a big chunk of herself is gone. the doctors finally settled on encephalitis as the final diagnosis. another scary fact- they don't have a recovery rate. some people it's quick, sometimes a year, sometimes never. and with no insurance, my mom has had no follow up care. so she may never get better. and it's a damn shame.
anyway, it was strange in the way it happened. on monday of that week, my mom had been getting something from her car, and the dog ran out after her. the dog startled my mom, and she whacked her head on the inside of the car door. she wasn't feeling well for the next couple days, she had a headache and a stomach ache. and on wednesday, she disappeared. i came home from work, and no one knew where she was. this was very unlike my mom. she would always leave a note if no one was home, or tell someone where she was going if they were. she does have a cell phone, but doesn't always have it on. anyway, she finally came home, and when asked where she was, she couldn't talk. she was using words, but they were just words, no sentences, no structure. nothing. we wanted to take her to the doctor then, but she refused. we thought maybe it was a result of hitting her head. so my dad was trying to get her to talk while my sister and i were googling possible causes. our first thought was a stroke, but her motor skills were fine. she just couldn't talk. she was getting frustrated with the whole thing, so finally we just let her go and rest. so i go to work the next day, tired, unable to concentrate, and i start to get texts from my sister. my mom is worse. she can't talk at all now. she doesn't know who she is. we're going to the hospital. talk about longest day ever. so get done from work, zoom over to the hospital. she was still in emergency. they admitted her as soon as they found out she didn't know her name. they had done some preliminary tests, and managed to rule out some things, like a stroke, but they still had no idea what was going on.
so my mom ended up in the hospital for three weeks. it was not easy for any of us. whenever i wasn't working, i was sitting with her. my family is not the closest, and we're probably pretty dysfunctional, but we managed to keep ourselves together, and be there for my mom. and ironically enough, it is my mom that has kept us together for so long. so what do you do when your rock crumbles? you hold on as best you can.
three weeks is a long time, especially for someone used to be able to do what they want, when they want. my mom ended up depressed. she was frustrated, and she wanted to go home. for the first couple days, it was pretty scary. she didn't know any of our names, she didn't know her name, her address, anything. fortunately, we had an excellent support system, especially my aunt and my mom's friends from church. we tried to make sure she always had someone there, her meals were ordered, and she was as comfortable as possible.
they did a ton of tests on her, but once they settled on encephalitis, and got an anti-viral going, she started to show signs of improvement. in the beginning, she didn't know anyone's names, and most food was salad. i was the first name she got. maybe i'm her favorite.... anyway, for awhile, everyone was angie. but things started to come back. it was a slow process, and some things will never come back.
so here we are a year later. anyone who knows my mom knows she's not the same person. first, she lost a lot of weight. a lot. it's probably a healthy weight for her, but she looks fragile now. she has become very schedule oriented. she likes to eat at a certain time, do things at a certain time, and sometimes gets upset when things get thrown off. she spends most of her time playing scrabble with my sister or solitaire. she resumed a lot of her activities at church again, but not nearly as much as she used to do. she still teaches sunday school and runs the harvest fest, but it's harder now since she gets tired more quickly. she cleans the church one day a week, so she at least gets out of the house sometimes. she doesn't like to drive much anymore. she worries a lot more now. i think the thing i notice the most is her eyes. looking back at old pictures, it's almost like the twinkle is gone. now her eyes always look sad.
sometimes i really miss the mom she was. but she's still my mom and i still love her. and i'm so grateful that it wasn't so much worse.
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